Valentine’s Day is a time many of us think about connection, care, and partnership. Yet long before flowers or chocolates arrive, many of us struggle with a very different challenge. We struggle to ask for what we need in ways that actually work. Whether it is asking for support with a big project at work or asking for help at home on an endless list of tasks, your ability to get your ask together determines whether you get more done with less stress and more connection. That ability is at the heart of The Human Edge™.
Before we get into how to ask, let’s start with why asking works when it is done well.
Why Asking Helps You Look More, Not Less, Competent
Many professionals hesitate to ask because they worry it will make them look incapable. Research shows the opposite.
Sociologist Wayne Baker, whose work is featured by Harvard Business Review, found that when people make thoughtful, intentional requests, they are perceived as more competent, not less. The key is that the request must be clear, purposeful, and grounded in forward movement. When someone asks well, others see strategic thinking, not weakness.
At the same time, influence expert Robert Cialdini’s research explains why the way you ask matters so much. Cialdini found that when you ask someone for their advice, rather than a vague opinion or favor, people psychologically lean in. Asking for advice activates cooperation and partnership. People feel included in solving the problem, not evaluated as an outsider.
Put these two findings together and something important emerges.
When you ask clearly and ask for advice, you are signaling competence and inviting collaboration at the same time.
Struggling in silence isn’t grit. It’s inefficiency.
That is why asking well serves you. It speeds decisions. It strengthens relationships. It reduces unnecessary struggle. It allows other people to contribute their strengths.
For leaders, how you ask is often as important as what you decide.
Start With the Ask, Get Specific
One of the most common questions I get is, “Can I pick your brain on becoming a speaker?”
Please don’t. It sounds like a scene from a low-budget horror movie, and it’s so open-ended it quietly translates to, “I’d like unlimited access to your time with no agenda.” Busy people do not avoid helping. They avoid vague asks.
If you can get specific, most high performers are more than willing to help. If you lead people, specific asks also teach your team how to ask you and each other.
Here is an example you can use at work.
“I’m preparing for a client meeting on Monday. I would really value your advice on the flow of my presentation. Could you spend 20 minutes with me on Friday morning and tell me the top three changes you would suggest?”
Notice what this does.
It names the task.
It explains why it matters.
It gives a clear time frame.
It asks for advice, not approval.
This is exactly the kind of request that aligns with both Baker’s and Cialdini’s research. It shows competence and invites partnership.
Ask for Help in a Way That Builds Capability
Think about how comfortable we are calling IT for help. Most of us do not hesitate because we genuinely do not know what we are doing. When IT arrives, though, we often miss an opportunity.
If you want help that builds your confidence for next time, shift the ask.
Instead of saying, “Can you fix this?” try this. “Can you show me how you’re doing this so I understand it next time?”
This simple shift changes everything. You still get the problem solved, but you also gain knowledge. Over time, this kind of asking reduces repeated interruptions and builds independence without isolation.
At a leadership level, this is the difference between rescuing your team and coaching your team. When you ask for help in a way that builds capability, you’re signaling that the goal is shared ownership, not dependence.
At work, this approach saves time. At home, it reduces resentment.
Clarity Matters More Than Courtesy
Many people soften their asks so much that the message gets lost. Being clear is not being rude. It is being respectful of time and energy.
Here are examples of clear workplace language.
- “I need your advice on which option carries the most risk. Could you share your perspective by Tuesday afternoon?”
- “To move this forward, I need feedback on these two sections only. Can you focus there?”
Clear timing matters. Clear boundaries matter. When people know exactly what you are asking for, they are far more likely to say yes.
The Hidden Work That Affects Performance at Home
Work does not happen in a vacuum. Many professionals, especially women, are carrying significant emotional labor at home that drains focus and energy before the workday even begins.
Emotional labor includes tasks that require planning, noticing, and remembering. Things like making doctor’s appointments, remembering money for field trips, scheduling playdates, noticing that a child has outgrown their jeans.
Often one partner carries this mental load without the other fully realizing it. One helpful way to begin the conversation is to make the invisible visible. Using a shared checklist of household and family tasks allows both partners to see the full scope of what is being done.
This kind of tool is not about blame. It is about awareness and alignment.
When Help Is Offered but Doesn’t Feel Helpful
A common frustration shows up when a partner says they want to help but waits to be told what to do or asks questions at every step. That often feels like more work, not less.
Here is language that maintains respect while setting expectations.
“I appreciate that you want to help. When I have to answer questions at every step, it feels like I am still carrying the load. What would really help me is if you took ownership of these tasks and checked in only when you need clarification.”
This kind of ask clarifies the difference between assistance and ownership.
Single parents face this too. Asking children for age-appropriate support is not a failure of parenting. It is leadership. Clear asks help children develop responsibility and lighten the emotional load on the household.
A Leader’s Job: Chief Help-Seeker
In organizations, the same principles separate burned-out teams from resilient ones. Leaders who never ask for help create what Wayne Baker calls “sage syndrome,” the pressure to look like the person with all the answers. When the leader will not ask, the team learns to stay silent too.
Leaders who model smart, specific asking do three things at once. They normalize help-seeking, surface problems earlier, and make it easier for people to share ideas across silos. In practical terms, that looks like ending a staff meeting with, “Here’s the help I need this week,” and inviting everyone else to do the same.
Why This Matters to The Human Edge™
Asking well is one of the most underdeveloped leadership skills. It affects how fast work gets done, how connected people feel, and how sustainable performance becomes.
When you avoid asking, you limit information flow and create unnecessary strain.
When you ask clearly and intentionally, you activate support and collaboration.
That is The Human Edge™.
Human skill applied strategically.
This Valentine’s season and beyond, practice asking in a way that honors your time, your relationships, and your goals.
Get your ask together. Everything works better when you do.
Let’s connect to design a customized program to sharpen your Human EdgeTM!
