I have a friend of 3 years, whom I would do anything for. Such as, cancel my plans with my fiancé to babysit her daughter, be there for her for all her problems, offer my help and advice, celebrate with her on special occasions. Take her out for her birthday, help her with bills…you name it. I consider her my best friend. I was under the assumption that if I needed help, she would be there for me too.
My fiancé recently threw me a surprise party for my birthday. She was invited and never showed up. She later told me that she was broke and did not want to spend the gas and pay the toll to come to my party. She also told me she was at her boyfriend’s house and had plans with him. The next weekend, she paid for her and her boyfriend to go to a fancy resort in a nearby town. They stayed at the best room, which for a weekend, runs over $1,000. This guy already has a child from another relationship that he left to be with my friend. I am really hurt, and I don’t know if I should continue to be her friend. I tried to confront her about it in a nice way, was open about how much it hurt me, and she blew me off saying that I was making a big deal out of nothing. Please help.
Confused in NY
Dear Confused in NY ,
This gal takes from you and gives only to her boyfriend. My serious advice is to end the relationship as painful as that might be. Remember (as Dr. Phil even says) you teach people how to treat you. By remaining her friend you are telling her it’s okay for her to diss you on your birthday, make up excuses instead of being honest and put a guy (who hasn’t chosen to stand by his women in the past — easiest way to tell what someone is going to do is look at what they’ve done) before her dearest friend.
As much as you don’t want to let go, you must take responsibility for the people you put in your life. It’s important that you stop bailing her out and start moving toward individuals that will share in your generousity, laughter and love. Sure, she has a kid and you might not want to lose touch with her — but you might have to. I would simply tell her, “I’ve decided it’s best if we take a break in our friendship. I’m looking for individuals in my life that have simliar values.” Now, when this guy dumps her (and he will) she’ll probably come running back and want you to start delivering all your attention back to her. I’m uncertain if that is a good thing for you, but I will say that if you do let her back in your life, keep watch. The first time she does something that doesn’t align with you being friends, let go. The person you described is not a good friend. They are a confused little girl who is looking for someone to make her feel better even if it costs her a good friend. She needs to grow up and she can’t do that as long as people like you allow this behavior.
I know these are strong words, but you are a strong woman who needs to use your time and love wisely.